A Dog’s Technology

Sylvia Shawcross

We are human beings. We are brilliant, superior adaptive creatures who have roamed about the planet for a good long time; eating, drinking and evolving to the point where we have become our dog’s technology.

You knew that, right?

Whereas we human beings push buttons to get things done, dogs have evolved exponentially. They are so clever now that they simply have to look at us (woefully inferior creatures that we are) with great brown liquid eyes and we’ll give them a piece of our toast.

They will wander idly into the kitchen and start rolling their water bowl about the floor and we will rush to fill it. You cannot mention any of the following words: walk, perambulation, stroll, outing, leash, play or poobleducks, in any normal conversation (on the phone or in person) when a dog is about or you will be immediately attacked with outrageous licks and overwrought canine enthusiasm. This activity will inevitably lead to you miserably crawling out into the dark wild windy driving rain with a leash and dog attached because that’s the way the dog wants it. And if that is the way the dog wants it, then that is what it will receive.

Dogs have that kind of power, for they are superior in every way to us.

We, utter human fools that we are, have just not realized how dreadfully evolved dogs are becoming. You bring them home in a little crate and spend weeks spreading papers about and coaxing them to sit and shake a paw. In such undignified little shows of talent, they will inevitably humor you… for a while… at least until they’re about six months old. Even as you take them to puppy school, they’re carefully watching all the tricks and techniques of how to train your human as they pretend to fetch their blankets and heel promptly.

It is usually during this time they begin a slow subtle indoctrination period where you, human being, are programmed appropriately for their needs. This is because they are talking to other dogs in the class when you think they’re just snorting and snuffling and whining. It’s code for dogspeak.

At first you could sleep in on the weekend, with the dog curled up snoring outrageously at your feet, but then the dog begins to want out…earlier and earlier. Soon you are up at 5:00 every morning claiming you’re a morning lark. But we know you’re not. It’s the dog. Eventually you rush home from work claiming you love being at home. But we know it’s because you need to feed the dog.

Sometimes you feed the dog and it just looks at you. It’s not hungry right now but maybe it will be later. It’s been planning for the future. They are indeed that cunning.

Then it will put its paw on your lap while you are trying to eat because it’s not just your food anymore. It’s the dog’s food and you just happened to have prepared it. Soon you find you’re watching Teletubbies because the dog likes it better than CNN. The dog of course gets the couch.

If you are owned by a highly intelligent dog and become well trained, the dog will go with you when you go shopping. The dog will usually claim the front seat. Eventually you find yourself shopping at pet stores more and more because you can bring the dog there. You will buy the dog things because that is what it has programmed you to do. You can’t help it. It’s the dog.

You thought picking up doggie doo on the railway track was a municipal by-law but it’s not. It’s the dog. It’s a conspiracy. Dogs want it this way. It makes them feel superior. We are the dog’s technology.

Stop the dog!