Hello, this is the confidential Vatican Vaccine Hotline for Opus Dei members, I’m Bishop Capone. How can I help you?
Yes, this is XXXXXX. I want to verify that the Pope is advising his flock to take the COVID vaccine.
He is.
And the Pope is infallible, correct?
Well, yes. In this case, however, he is expressing his personal opinion.
But that opinion couldn’t contradict God’s wishes.
True. How can I help you, sir?
I
plan to receive the vaccine. I know all vaccines carry a risk. Suppose,
after I get the shot, I die? How should my family interpret my death?
That’s a complex matter.
I’m
a devout family man. I would like my family to believe my death is part
of God’s plan. They would take comfort from that. You see, if the Pope
wants me to take the shot, and the Pope always speaks in accordance with
God’s point of view, then my death would be a positive detail in God’s
overall Design.
Yes, I see where you’re going with this. However---
I would be willing to make a sizeable donation to the Church.
Sir, you’re talking about an Indulgence. That practice has been outlawed for centuries. A person can’t buy his way into Heaven.
I’m talking about $150,000.
How much?
Excuse me, I misspoke. I meant $1,500,000.
How much?
Again, I mixed up the numbers. I meant ten million.
That’s very generous, sir.
Bishop
Capone, I fully understand that money does not buy a man entry into
Heaven. I would intend my gift merely as a sign of my loyalty to God’s
Church. And to the Pope.
I understand.
All
I’m asking for is a promise that, if I die from the vaccine, the Pope
will write a note to my family, assuring them that my death was part of
God’s plan, and they should take comfort in that knowledge.
I
will make an inquiry, sir. Of course, we’ll need a few details from
you. Verification of your identity, recent bank statements, tax returns,
that sort of thing.
No
problem, Bishop. My secretary can forward all that information to
you. While I have you on the line, I wanted to ask you about another
matter.
What other matter?
I
know the Church is major landholder. I assume you’re tracking property
values across the planet. In this time of the lockdowns, those values
are dropping precipitously. My companies are interested in purchasing
what we call distressed assets. Especially, land. It would help us
considerably if we had access to a comprehensive list of potential
acquisitions. We would appreciate any assistance you could give us.
How much did you say you’re willing to donate to the Church?
We
can arrange the gift in several ways. For example, suppose from your
list of prime distressed assets, we purchase a hundred items. We lay out
seven billion dollars in all. I would be prepared to donate 4.56
percent of that to the Church.
4.56 seems rather low. I’d be thinking more in the area of 12 percent.
I could go 6.2.
Ten.
Eight. Anything
more than eight would constitute an unconscionable burden. And for that
eight, we would expect the Church to provide
assistance. Recommendations to the sellers of distressed land to give us
special consideration.
Let’s call it nine percent.
All right. Because it’s the Church, nine.
I’ll
kick your proposal upstairs, sir. See how it flies. Meanwhile, I’m
going to put you on hold and transfer this call to our Security and
Banking Division. They’ll take your information and do a quick
preliminary background check. By the way, our construction companies are
operating at full strength. It’s possible we can negotiate a deal to
build out structures on the properties you purchase.
Interesting. What sorts of structures?
We’re
very much into warehouses these days. Storage and shipping areas for
all sorts of products that can be ordered online. With the lockdowns,
more and more people are buying what they need without having to venture
outdoors.
I like it. I’m planning to take the vaccine next week.
Let me ask---are you in good health?
Excellent
health. I run four miles every day. And I swim. I had a complete
physical a couple of months ago. Passed with flying colors.
Glad
to hear it. We would want our partners to remain strong. You might want
to check out the official COVID death rates for healthy men in your age
group. I have your Opus Dei file in front of me. You’re 46. The death
rates are absurdly low. Miniscule.
Are you suggesting I should forget about taking the vaccine?
I’m
not a doctor. But do you think God set up the world so that, one day,
scientists would EXPERIMENTALLY inject a piece of RNA into eight billion
people, on the hypothesis that this RNA would force cells of the body
to manufacture a protein that RESEMBLED a protein from SARS-CoV-2…and
then the immune system would swing into action and produce a response to
THAT mimicking protein…thus preparing the body if and when SARS-CoV-2
actually came along? And the one person on the planet who was most
passionate about this whole program was someone named Bill Gates? THIS
was God’s Design from the Beginning?
I take your point, Bishop Capone. Thank you.
I word to the wise, pal. And now I’ll transfer your call.
(The link to this article posted on my blog is here.)
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