Biden’s Inaugural Address
January 20, 2021
You can watch Biden’s speech, straining through razor wire, views obscured by military helmets and SWAT vans, nervously looking over your shoulder. Or you can get the highlights here, because I’m pretty sure what he will say.
Fellow Americans,
Kamala and I (and Jill) are so happy to be standing up today to take over the country, I mean, lead the nation. It’s a great day, and I thank you, and our great military, for being here and making this day possible. Now, here’s the deal:
You people expected democracy, you people wanted democracy, and you people deserve to have democracy, good and hard. In case, you are wondering I thought that up myself.
Four score and eight years ago, our forefathers brought forth upon this land a new Federal Reserve, a bank unlike any other, a bank that could make all good things possible. It is this bank that I will utilize to make everything better, for everyone. Now, when I say everyone, I mean everyone who is paying their fair share, and Kamala and Nancy will determine that. Both are very clean women.
Jill and I want you to know that we recognize that our country is divided over some things. We believe that government buildings, especially those here in Washington, are sacred and precious. And if anyone says I’m not religious one more time, I’m going to seriously shove the Constitution up their ass.
Sorry folks, it’s just that the unforgivable actions of the previous occupant of the white House, for the past four or five or ten years just makes me mad. He should have conceded on November 3rd when the media said I was President-elect. Then he leads a raid of the Capitol building wearing buffalo horns and weird pants…C’mon, man, not a joke!
I want you to know, and I think Kamala would agree, we have some priorities in my first hundred days. If she doesn’t, I may contract an incurable disease and die, but for now, here’s the deal:
I’m gonna spend 2 trillion dollars in those first 100 days, to shut up my people, move the needle on carbon, reward my cronies, and send some made-up money to the democratic mayors and governors who helped me most, all over the country. And if I hear one more Republican talk about balancing the budget, I’m gonna strangle him. And by the way, you folks who are complaining that I’m not giving $2,000 more free checks, but only $1,400 which is $2,000 when you add in the stingy Trump check this month, well, let me tell you. I’m a small town Scranton kid, and while I may be Irish, I’m not stupid. Shut up.
I love the military so much. And the CIA, I love them. And Homeland. And let me tell you, we need their help in fighting this virus, the Covid thing. You know the thing. Sure it isn’t that deadly in statistical terms, but the fear is amazing. I’ve always said, when you appeal to peoples’ fears and anxieties, you can make some gains. And that’s what we are going to do.
Now, we have to build back better. Sure, you’ve heard that business was booming under Trump, and he was bringing troops home, and no new wars. But our job here in Washington is to break it down so we can build it up. You know, I served as Vice President for eight years under Obama – I’ve said it before, it’s easy be Vice President, you don’t have to do a thing. Today we start doing things. You know the things.
As I said back in 2009, and I’ll say it again, “People look at me and say, what are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt? The answer is yes, that’s what I’m telling you!”
I want to also assure the rest of the world, watching today, that they can count on us. We are going to become the world’s leader again. Guess what? The cheerleaders in college are the best athletes in college. You think I’m joking, they’re almost all gymnasts, the stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind. Like in Ukraine, with Ukrainian gymnasts, or Chinese girls. So athletic. Shut up.
Well, to bring this inaugural address to a close, I want to again thank everyone who voted for me, included of course anyone is dead now, was dead then, and special thanks to those who went out and recruited voters, and collected ballots, and filled out those ballots, you know the deal. I will serve everyone, including the dead, and dying, as best I can, for as long as I can, and afterwards.
Now, I won’t lie. If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there is still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong. I said that in 2010, and adjusted for inflation, it’s probably about 50% now.
The
greatest gift is the ability to forget, to forget the bad things and
focus on the good. I say to those who didn’t support me, and those who
think I stole this election, I am going to forget you. And we are going
to try and help you forget too. As I look around today, seeing an
empty field before me, surrounded by the army with guns at the ready, I
think, this is how we will forget.
I believe that the measure of a man isn’t just the road he’s traveled – folks, since I was 27, every day I got up and someone handed me a card, like the one I have in my pocket, with the schedule on it, of all the things I’m gonna do. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that card; – it’s the choices he made along the way. The other night, I was watching a Netflix TV series called LA’s Finest, it’s a cop show, and I come from a long line of Irish policemen, you know the thing. Jessica Alba and Gabrielle Union, well, they kind of remind me of me and Kamala. Nice, clean women. And Jessica had a great quote, I want to share with you today, kind of a capstone of this very special day.
“It smells like sweaty tits and bad choices in here.”
God bless America.
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