Keys to Coping With Grief During the Holidays by Dr. Mercola
Keys to Coping With Grief During the Holidays
December 21, 2017 • 42,918view
Story at-a-glance
While
many view the winter holidays as a wonderful time of the year —
especially as it relates to the many festivities enjoyed together with
family and friends — after the death of a loved one, these occasions are
not only less wonderful, but can also be stressful and depressing
Grief
can be an “emotional rollercoaster” — one day you’re up and the next
day you’re down — and feelings of loss can sweep over you unexpectedly
at any time; dealing with grief and loss during the holidays can be
particularly challenging
Everyone
deals with grief and loss at some time in their lives, and many more
suffer with it during the holidays than you may realize
Some
tips to help you navigate the holidays while grieving include: Be gentle
with yourself; listen to your body and your emotions; seek out
activities and people that make you happy; learn to say no; and talk
about how you’re feeling
You
can also use the Emotional Freedom Techniques, a healthy diet, daily
exercise, proper sleep, meditation and supplements to help you cope with
holiday stress
By Dr. Mercola
Dealing with the loss of my mom, who died this past July, I have a
new appreciation for those who experience intensified feelings of grief
and loss during the holiday season. Grief is a valuable feeling but
can be an “emotional rollercoaster.” Given its ebb and flow, it can be
hard to know how to embrace, process and express feelings of grief,
especially during the holidays.
The most important resource to help me resolve the grief with my
mother was the last book that Dr. David Hawkins wrote before he passed,
“Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender.”
He teaches a simple yet profoundly effective strategy that helps you
fully experience your feelings until they morph and change. This was
one of the best books I read this year.
If your heart is heavy this Christmas, while the “rest of the world”
seems to be experiencing a time of joyous celebration, you are not
alone. Everyone deals with grief and loss at some time in their lives,
and many more are actively suffering than you may realize. Thankfully,
there are numerous tips and tools to help you cope and get through this
sensitive time in ways that honor you and your deceased loved one.
Why Do Holidays Compound Our Sense of Grief?
No matter how much time has passed since the death of a loved one or
how much emotional healing has taken place, something about the
holidays tends to bring feelings of grief and loss rushing to the
surface all over again. Intense feelings of grief can cause you to view
the holiday season with dread. You may come to see it as something to
“get through,” rather than a series of occasions to be celebrated and
enjoyed.
While some view the winter holidays as the most wonderful time of
the year — especially as it relates to the many festivities enjoyed
together with family and friends — after a loss, these occasions are
not only less wonderful, but can also be stressful and depressing.
Emotions run high, especially the first year immediately after the
death of your loved one. While you may feel better equipped to deal
with the emotions in subsequent years, some aspect of the grief will
undoubtedly linger. As such, the holidays may always be difficult to
some degree without the presence of that special person. Dr. Anthony Komaroff,
professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, practicing senior
physician at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and
editor-in-chief of the Harvard Health Letter, who experienced the loss
of his father one month before the holidays, knows firsthand how
difficult it can be to celebrate the holidays while grieving the loss
of someone dear. He states:1
“Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That
can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the
loss of a loved one … Although grief is nearly universal, it expresses
itself in many different ways … Frequent crying spells, depressed
mood, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite …
Grief is not a tidy, orderly process, and there is no right way
to grieve. Every person — and every family — does it differently. This
can cause emotions to collide and overlap, especially during the
holiday season …”
Writing for the Huffington Post, Rhonda O’Neill,author,
grief survivor and pediatric registered nurse, who has successfully
navigated a number of holiday seasons while grieving the deaths of her
husband and a son, writes:2
“Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful
and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with
people we love … We are required to show up to family
gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that
we are fine. We are not fine.
The reminder of our loss is never as obvious as when we are
surrounded by our extended family and friends, [because] their
[families] are whole and together. Our family has an obvious vacant
spot and will never be whole without our missing loved one … [T]he
holidays will never be the same again without them there by our side.”
Tips on Dealing With Grief During the Holidays
Because feelings of grief and loss tend to be intensified during the
holidays, it’s important you mentally prepare yourself beforehand. By
being aware the holidays will likely trigger heavy emotions, you can
take steps to care for your tender heart as you go through them.
O’Neill offers the following suggestions for grieving during this
festive time of year:3
Be gentle with yourself
Rule No. 1 for dealing with grief during the holidays is be gentle
with yourself. You may not get as much accomplished as you’d like.
You may not be able to cook, entertain or shop. Go slow. Be kind to
yourself. Lower your expectations. You are in pain and most of your
energy is needed to deal with the grief.
Listen to your body and your emotions
Trying to ignore your body and your emotions during the holidays
seldom works. To get your attention, your body may simply shut down,
making you physically ill. This can happen even if your issues are
mainly emotional in nature. Rather than battle an illness during the
holidays, make time throughout the season to check in with your body and
engage with your emotions.
Seek out activities and people that lift your spirits
When dealing with grief during the holidays it is especially
important to choose activities and people that will enliven your mood
and lift your spirits. The last thing you want to do is apply your
limited emotional and physical energy to activities and people that will
further drain you or add to your emotional pain.
Avoid the tendency to isolate
Hiding away is a common tendency for people who are experiencing
grief, sadness and loss. It’s scary to be around others because you
never know what people may say in response to your grief. While it’s
somewhat risky to be social, loneliness
is worse, and you need human contact and emotional support. Even
short visits with safe, emotionally-healthy family and friends are
better than no visits at all.
Don’t overextend emotionally or physically
As a grieving person going through the holidays, you will probably
notice you don’t have as much emotional and physical energy as usual.
This is normal and OK. You don’t have as much to give others right
now, and it’s perfectly acceptable for you to be on the receiving end
for a time.
Set some boundaries around how much you’ll do, whether it be
cooking, entertaining or shopping. Be realistic and don’t be afraid
to turn down invitations and offers, even at the last minute.
Learn to say no
“No” is a powerful word that can help you set limits around what you
will and will not do as you go through the holidays. Unfortunately,
some family members and friends will not receive this word very well,
but that is not your problem. You are not responsible for what other
people think or feel about your limits. Your goal is to take care of
yourself and to move through the holidays as best as you can. Saying no can help.
Talk about how you’re feeling
Especially at the holidays, you will benefit from having a counselor,
friend, pastor or support group to talk to about how you’re feeling.
In the absence of a caring person, you can most certainly record
your thoughts in a journal. Talking and journaling can help you work
through intense feelings. These activities take swirling thoughts out of
your head and provide emotional relief when you are feeling
overwhelmed.
Consider volunteering or helping someone in need
One of the best remedies for taking a temporary break from intense
feelings is to put your focus on serving or helping someone else.
Volunteer opportunities abound during the holidays. You can take a
break from heavy emotions by serving at a soup kitchen, helping at a
homeless shelter or supporting a church, community or school event.
Reflect on the holidays you shared with your deceased loved one
One way to honor the memory of special people in your life is to
remember them during the holidays. What role did they assume during
times of celebration? What were his/her favorite aspects of the
celebration? What memories do you have of them at this time of year?
You may want to get out photos, letters and other items that remind you
of him/her. Playing music or serving food your loved one enjoyed are
other ways to honor them.
Creating New Rituals Can Help You Honor a Loved One
While some aspects of the holidays are changed forever due to the
absence of your loved one, you can remember and honor them by creating
new rituals focused on them.4,5
Some families remember a deceased loved one simply by maintaining an
empty chair at the table during a holiday meal. Others place a photo in
a special location and surround it with holiday decorations, a
memorial candle or other memory-evoking adornments.
If your loved one made a special dish for your holiday gathering,
you might want to get the recipe and make it in remembrance of him or
her. Perhaps your deceased family member or friend was an avid holiday
volunteer. If so, consider participating in a charitable event or
service project as a way of honoring them. If you are unable to serve,
consider sending a monetary gift to a favorite charity in recognition
of them.
EFT Can Help You Cope With Grief and Stress During the Holidays
The Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)
is a useful tool you can use to help you cope with feelings of grief
and loss during the holidays. EFT is an energy psychology method
designed to help you process emotions and reprogram your body's
reactions related to them. As a kind of do-it-yourself form of
emotional acupuncture, EFT stimulates your body’s energy meridians as
you lightly tap on key points. EFT is an effective means of releasing
trapped emotions and the mental and physical pain associated with them.
In the video above, Julie Schiffman demonstrates how to use EFT for
grief. Even if you have never used EFT before, take a few minutes to
learn the technique and then use it whenever grief surfaces. What I
love about EFT is that you can apply it to virtually every type of
emotion. If you find yourself having trouble coping at a holiday event
or meal, step into a private area and tap. You’ll be surprised at how
quickly EFT can knock down the intensity of your feelings and help you
effectively deal with holiday stress.
Stress Management: An Essential Part of Your Holiday Plan
Besides creating new rituals and using EFT, there are a number of other stress-management strategies you can employ as you navigate the holidays. A few of the most important ones are:
Eating a healthy diet: Avoiding alcohol, processed
foods and sugary treats will go a long way in helping you feel good
during the holidays. While you may think it’s OK to “live a little”
during this festive time of the year, you will most likely regret the
extra weight, depressed mood and other ill effects that will result if
you overindulge. A far wiser approach would be to incorporate organic
fruits and vegetables, grass fed meats, healthy fats, fermented foods
and a high-quality probiotic supplement in your daily diet.
Getting daily exercise: Studies have shown tranquilizing chemicals called endorphins are released in your brain during exercise.
As such, daily exercise is a natural way to bring your body
pleasurable relaxation year-round. During the holidays, exercise is even
more vital to your well-being because it is a great stress reliever.
Sleeping enough: Failing to get
enough high-quality, restorative sleep can damage your health even if
your diet and exercise programs are stellar. Most adults need seven to
eight hours of sleep a night, and you will need even more during the
holiday season, especially if you are grieving. If you want help in
this area, check out my 33 tips to help improve your sleep.
Spending time in reflection, meditation or prayer: For many, the holidays are a spiritually-oriented time involving reflection, meditation
and/or prayer. When practiced regularly, these activities are natural
stress busters. They are also helpful in addressing feelings of grief
and loss.
Taking supplements to cope with holiday stress: There is no doubt the holidays can be stressful. Seven supplements that help fight the holiday stress are ashwagandha, L-theanine, lavender oil,
magnesium, potassium and vitamins B12 and D3. If you can only take
one, I suggest vitamin D3 because it has the greatest potential to
boost your energy and resiliency year-round, and most particularly
during the winter holidays.
I know from personal experience that dealing with grief and loss is a
challenge regardless of the time of year the feelings arise. Given the
focus on relationships and togetherness, there is something unique
about the holidays that makes these feelings more intense.
Regardless of how you spend Christmas or ring in the New Year, you
owe it to yourself to take action to safeguard your heart and your
emotions this holiday season. Choose one or more of the tips above and
apply them as best you can. In doing so, you will be able to move
through the holidays connected to yourself and, equally importantly,
connected to the warm feelings and positive memories you have about
your loved one.
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