Tony
Fauci, the Great White Father, is flying to Africa, to save the
continent from the latest virus-mutation, which originated in a deli in
Beverly Hills.
Fauci
gave a statement to reporters at LAX before departing: “We now know
that what we’re calling SARS-CoV-6 crossed species from a pastrami
sandwich at Fineberg’s Deli on Rodeo Drive, to Fred Reilly, a customer,
in late October. Reilly flew to Botswana, where he infected three soccer
players who were moonlighting as security guards at a UN cocktail
party.”
Fauci
will explain to Africa that a new IG Farben drug, RP-1984, which has
been stockpiled for 20 years, since it failed to slow the progression of
leukemia in rats, will be dropped from planes over the continent.
The
drug attacks all cells of the body, preventing them from
replicating. The hope is it will also prevent the deli variant from
replicating before it kills the host (human beings).
“Preliminary
data looks promising,” Fauci stated. “Of course, lockdowns for at least
a year, vaccination, mask wearing, and distancing will have to be
practiced religiously,” he added.
“Owing
to business closures, most African countries will sink into
irreversible and desperate debt. The International Monetary Fund, as
usual, will tide these countries over with loans. However, this time,
the United Nations will usher in a new digital currency for Africa.”
The
currency, Fauci asserted, will include Universal Guaranteed Income for
every person in Africa---as long as they obey all government dictates
without question or protest.
At the White House, Joe Biden said, “I don’t eat pastrami. Nurse Jill won’t let me.”
Deli
owner Hank Fineberg told the LA Times, “We didn’t start this. We buy
our pastrami from Gornish Garnish, a wholesaler in Brooklyn. Why isn’t
the CDC investigating them? Besides, none of our customers have actually
gotten sick. So what’s the problem?”
The
Times attributes the plunge of the stock market to the deli variant. It
also questions California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decision to “leave
Rodeo Drive open to shoppers.”
Bill Gates is urging people to eat a pastrami substitute made from dried maple leaves, a pine tar derivative, and salted mica.
A
new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine concludes
that “the deli variant causes the body to produce 12 different sets of
antibodies, some of which resemble the original SARS-CoV-2. The body
then faces the prospect of antibodies attacking antibodies, resulting in
a downward vortex resembling a black hole in space…”
NBC
states, “Black Lives Matter leaders are huddling with officials at the
Ford Foundation, shaping a response to news that the deli variant is
sweeping through Africa.”
CBS:
“In Africa, the major symptoms associated with the deli variant are
weight loss, dehydration, and diarrhea. These symptoms traditionally
stem from malnutrition and starvation, but researchers say the variant
is now the principal culprit…”
At
the White House yesterday, the President’s Press Secretary, Jen Psaki,
told reporters, “The dark winter has arrived early. It’s here. The deli
variant will necessitate new lockdowns and business closures. President
Biden will be issuing a new wide-ranging vaccine mandate in the next few
days. At the moment, he is meeting with NIH researchers and poring over
the latest data on infection rates. His background in statistical
analysis will serve him well in this effort…”
A FOX News reporter asked, “Will Christmas be canceled?”
Psaki
replied, “Shopping will proceed. But Jesus was born only once. Is it
necessary to keep celebrating the event? The Secretary of State is
meeting with Pope Francis to discuss the question.”
The
FOX reporter followed up with another query: “What about all the
migrants coming across the Southern border? How many are carrying the
deli variant?”
Psaki:
“We have a new mass testing program called The Wand. It can survey
thousands of people at once and detect the presence of viruses. So far,
we’ve found only one person at the border who is infected with the deli
variant---a former Montana resident. He has been the subject of an FBI
manhunt, owing to the fact that he was present at the January 6th
Capitol breach. He is now in custody at Walter Reed Hospital. He has no
symptoms, which is a bit of a mystery.”
Retiring
NIH Director Francis Collins clarified several deli variant issues this
morning, on a conference call with reporters: “The new variant is
producing different effects in different populations. In Africa, we’re
seeing weight loss, dehydration, and diarrhea. In South America, the
primary symptom is a dry cough. In Australia, it’s transient leg pain
and anger. In Europe, numbness of the extremities and increasing
poverty. In the US, waning immunity conferred by the vaccine, hypnotic
passivity, and paradoxically, attendance at football games…”
Senator
Chuck Schumer has introduced a bill that will compensate victims of the
deli variant, in the form of a federal card that can be used to
purchase $900 in goods and services. The diagnosing doctor will also
receive a card, worth $3900 for each variant case identified.
Don’t leave home without it. Actually, don’t leave home. Lock down.
~~~
(The link to this article posted on my blog is here.)
(Follow me on Gab at @jonrappoport)
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