As I may have mentioned, Lester Holt, national anchor for NBC News, is a vampire. He does his broadcasts after the sun goes down.
The other day, however, a puny little intern made the mistake of tapping on his coffin and awakening him at 10 in the morning.
Through an ensuing series of blunders, executed by the network’s affirmative action, diversity, equity, and inclusion hires, Lester went on the air, LIVE, at noon—and in a quite grumpy and disassembled state of mind, spoke the following:
“As you probably know by now, the pussified Bidenites, colleges, hospitals, and other functionaries are leaning into COVID restrictions again. Masks, distancing, take the vaccine or else—all that.
“As luck would have it, there are people all around us who experience intense pleasure at the prospect of going on lockdowns again. Nothing else in their lives gives them the same adrenaline push. They’re not just complying. They’re renewing marriage vows on a vacation cruise, on the good ship Shit for Brains. Freedom means as much to them as the latest sex crime series spun out by Netflix. Give them that in their state room, popcorn, and a lock on their door, and they’re in heaven.
“The depth of their insanity BEGS for something to match it. And I will. Now. Because I’m tired of watching humans and merely imbibing their blood. I want to expose them for what they are. I’ll use whatever comes to hand to rip out the old wiring.
“COVID 2 should be quite a show. ‘Oo! Transmission of the virus! So beautiful.’ Good for you, contestant. You win 12 boosters, a heart attack, and the rest of your life in a wheelchair. Or a quick death, if you’d prefer. Because on this program, we celebrate all of you who suck on the gas pipe of media. We heap praise on STORIES designed to put you and your loved ones in graves. We’re CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, Reuters, a whole new generation of robots who hate life. That’s our tradition. That’s our bid for immortality. And because we keep saying, in coordination with our crocodile government, that we’re OFFICIAL, and you believe us, we’re awarding you prizes. As you move closer to death. That’s our game. We cater to all the souls who have to find an authority and worship it. That’s why our ratings are so high. That’s why advertisers pony up their money to appear with us on-air. Because there are so many dumb lovers of authority. Because so many of you take pride in your love.
“OO! Transmission of the virus! It’s a perfect little ditty for literal minds, which demand the impersonation of facts. It makes so much sense to those minds. Your minds...
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