Hello, this is COVID Airlines, how can I help you?
I want to book a ticket from New York to Paris.
Have you had your COVID vaccine?
Not yet.
An immunity passport is required for all our passengers. You must take the shot.
Yes, I understand. I recently read you may be making an exception for people of color.
True. Certain
minority communities are understandably suspicious of government. We
don’t want to drive them further away by demanding they take the
vaccine. They’re exempt from vaccination. They can fly with us.
I see. Well, I identify as black.
What color is your skin?
Pinkish white.
We do have a category called “racial preference.” Let me ask you a few questions. When did you first identify as black?
Recently.
Are you making the assertion you’re black just so you can book a flight with us?
Certainly
not. I’ve been an avid supporter of Black Lives Matter and Antifa for
several years. During that time, it occurred to me that I should “cross
over,” instead of remaining white and supporting my black brothers and
sisters from a distance.
Have you marched in BLM/Antifa protests?
Of course. I’m firmly against white privilege.
What does your family think of your position on race?
My wife divorced me and ran off with a cop. Can you believe it?
At the time, were you already identifying as black?
Not yet, but that whole situation pushed me closer to the edge.
Final
question: What is your position on African-American NBA players who
sided with China in the scandal involving shoe contracts and Hong Kong
protestors?
Well,
that’s a delicate matter. We have free speech, but we also have to
watch what we say. Even though the shoes are being assembled in China by
slaves, the NBA players have to protect their shoe contracts and their
cash.
I think we can sell you a ticket.
You
know, I subscribed to one of those online genealogical searches. They
found that, eight generations ago, I had a male ancestor who was either
from Central Africa or Norway. The analysis was ambiguous.
Will you be flying First Class or Coach?
Coach.
Upon
arrival in Paris, a Black Lives Matter/Antifa representative will
interview you. If you pass scrutiny, you’ll be permitted to leave the
airport and enter the city. During your stay, if there are any BLM
protests, you’ll be required to attend and destroy at least one physical
object.
What qualifies as a physical object?
I
have a list. I’ll forward it to you by email. It contains a range of
items, from an ashtray in a hotel lobby, to a plate glass window, to a
building.
Does my flight serve food?
No. You’ll
be flying in a small prop plane with other white passengers who
identify as minorities. There is no cabin. You’ll sit on a metal floor
and hold a strap attached to the hull.
You said I could fly Coach or First Class. What’s First Class?
A bag of nuts.
(The link to this article posted on my blog is here.)
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