The Doomsday Falafel
September 25, 2015
Ay, ay, ya, Ben Carson…what are we gonna do with ya?
Hopefully, not elect you as President of the United States. Have a look
at this kernel of wisdom from good ol’ Ben Carson: “There is such a
thing as an American dream and the American way. Anybody is welcome to
come to America, but they don’t get to change who we are.” I nearly fell
off my chair laughing at this one. So, hey Ben, does this mean everyone
here better be eating corn, beans, and squash? Because that’s what
everyone here was eating before the people called “Amuuricuns”
manifested here.
And just who are we anyways, Ben? Hmmm? To me, pretty much a rather growing collection of easily-manipulated slaves assimilated into a monoculture of mediocrity and serial fads. Excuse me, but can anyone tell me when the Islamic Army arrives to forcibly change our way of life and ban pork rinds, dime beer night at Slookey’s, and television shows that would embarrass a cat in heat? Can anyone really see Muslims taking over America, I ask you? My word, nowadays, people can’t wait for the weekend and the drinking begins on Thursday nights here in Arizona bars. Right, and they’re going to convert these people to Islam, a religion that forbids alcohol consumption? Not even “dry counties” in America could pull that off! Remember Prohibition anyone? Yeah, Muslims will change our way of life, sure Ben, uh-huh. You must be smoking thick-sliced bacon if you think that’s going to happen.
Exactly what is the “American way” now? Kill them all and let God sort them out? Bomb them back to the Stone Age? Oh, wait, the people that say that don’t believe in the Stone Age. I asked someone on the street, “Excuse me, but can you tell me what the American way is?” He said, “Well, you have to go three miles down Broadway from here, and then it’s the street there with the Taco Hut on the corner. I think…” Wow, who knew the American way was so close to hand! Why, the American Dream that Ben mentioned must be right around the corner from there! I predict that will be the epicenter of the Muslim invasion to capture mom, apple pie, and blue jeans. We should probably station a jukebox there to play patriotic country songs inspiring us to die in foreign wars that enrich the patriots whose kids remain safely ensconced in Fortress Amurica.
I’m starting to think Ben’s on to something here. We’ve got to rid ourselves of these foreign influences before it’s too late. I mean, look at this! My gosh, now you can get a pizza delivered to your house! What’s next?! Falafel and lamb biryani?! How come we haven’t got an apple pie delivery?! We can’t deliver mom, people might talk. This must stop! We need to get rid of ethnic food as a whole and return back to the meatloaf and mashed potatoes that made Amurica great! Our forefather cry out from the grave for us to cleanse Amurica from All-You-Can-Eat Sushi!!! People, the Japanese were once an enemy! How dare we forget that and eat raw fish with rice! Men died for fried chicken, not sashimi! Get it right! The pizza was the Trojan Horse that started it all!
Yes, Ben is inspiring great acts of Amurican patriotism like hating an entire religion and everyone from the region that gave us such un-Amurican things as wheat cultivation and bread. They’re not really welcome in Ben’s vision of America, but Ben can’t say that without looking like a bigot. Let me just clue you in on something, Ben. There are about two billion Muslims on this planet. Now, if every one of them was like you say they are, we’d be in a world war of epic proportions. See, Ben, there’s a difference between people practicing a faith and fanatics. Kind of like there’s a difference between Americans and people practicing a form of political fanaticism that usually manifests itself in cloaked diatribes against people who “aren’t like us”. Yeah, well, there’s a lot of people here Amuricans of other eras said things about, Ben. Join the club. Status THIS quo.
I better run out and get a falafel before some Republican gets elected and makes it a felony. Then I’ll be stuck with fried chicken and apple pie. Never mind that apples originate from Kazakhstan and not America. If they wanted a fruit pie with an indigenous fruit, they’ll have to go rustle up some chokecherries. But, when you don’t have a campaign beyond “Hate, hate, hate, and load the bombers…” this is what we’re left with.
There we have it. We’re under attack, Amurica. Is there a Doomsday Falafel in your future? Ben Carson seems to think so. I’ll have a side of hummus with mine, thanks.
And just who are we anyways, Ben? Hmmm? To me, pretty much a rather growing collection of easily-manipulated slaves assimilated into a monoculture of mediocrity and serial fads. Excuse me, but can anyone tell me when the Islamic Army arrives to forcibly change our way of life and ban pork rinds, dime beer night at Slookey’s, and television shows that would embarrass a cat in heat? Can anyone really see Muslims taking over America, I ask you? My word, nowadays, people can’t wait for the weekend and the drinking begins on Thursday nights here in Arizona bars. Right, and they’re going to convert these people to Islam, a religion that forbids alcohol consumption? Not even “dry counties” in America could pull that off! Remember Prohibition anyone? Yeah, Muslims will change our way of life, sure Ben, uh-huh. You must be smoking thick-sliced bacon if you think that’s going to happen.
Exactly what is the “American way” now? Kill them all and let God sort them out? Bomb them back to the Stone Age? Oh, wait, the people that say that don’t believe in the Stone Age. I asked someone on the street, “Excuse me, but can you tell me what the American way is?” He said, “Well, you have to go three miles down Broadway from here, and then it’s the street there with the Taco Hut on the corner. I think…” Wow, who knew the American way was so close to hand! Why, the American Dream that Ben mentioned must be right around the corner from there! I predict that will be the epicenter of the Muslim invasion to capture mom, apple pie, and blue jeans. We should probably station a jukebox there to play patriotic country songs inspiring us to die in foreign wars that enrich the patriots whose kids remain safely ensconced in Fortress Amurica.
I’m starting to think Ben’s on to something here. We’ve got to rid ourselves of these foreign influences before it’s too late. I mean, look at this! My gosh, now you can get a pizza delivered to your house! What’s next?! Falafel and lamb biryani?! How come we haven’t got an apple pie delivery?! We can’t deliver mom, people might talk. This must stop! We need to get rid of ethnic food as a whole and return back to the meatloaf and mashed potatoes that made Amurica great! Our forefather cry out from the grave for us to cleanse Amurica from All-You-Can-Eat Sushi!!! People, the Japanese were once an enemy! How dare we forget that and eat raw fish with rice! Men died for fried chicken, not sashimi! Get it right! The pizza was the Trojan Horse that started it all!
Yes, Ben is inspiring great acts of Amurican patriotism like hating an entire religion and everyone from the region that gave us such un-Amurican things as wheat cultivation and bread. They’re not really welcome in Ben’s vision of America, but Ben can’t say that without looking like a bigot. Let me just clue you in on something, Ben. There are about two billion Muslims on this planet. Now, if every one of them was like you say they are, we’d be in a world war of epic proportions. See, Ben, there’s a difference between people practicing a faith and fanatics. Kind of like there’s a difference between Americans and people practicing a form of political fanaticism that usually manifests itself in cloaked diatribes against people who “aren’t like us”. Yeah, well, there’s a lot of people here Amuricans of other eras said things about, Ben. Join the club. Status THIS quo.
I better run out and get a falafel before some Republican gets elected and makes it a felony. Then I’ll be stuck with fried chicken and apple pie. Never mind that apples originate from Kazakhstan and not America. If they wanted a fruit pie with an indigenous fruit, they’ll have to go rustle up some chokecherries. But, when you don’t have a campaign beyond “Hate, hate, hate, and load the bombers…” this is what we’re left with.
There we have it. We’re under attack, Amurica. Is there a Doomsday Falafel in your future? Ben Carson seems to think so. I’ll have a side of hummus with mine, thanks.
Jack Perry [send him mail]
is an arrowmaker and writer who lives in the Four Corners area of the
Southwestern United States. He has been a truck driver, a purchasing
agent at a now-defunct renewable energy company (don't even ask him
about the "Green energy" scam), and served in the 101st Airborne
Division. He spends his time practicing traditional archery, making
arrows in the wilds of the Arizona high desert, and finding himself only
mildly amused by the antics of the Great Father in Washington.
Previous article by Jack Perry: The Fall of the American Empire
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