The Pope was sitting in his Popemobile bubble outside the UN. He
was eating a Twix and looking over his speech notes when the phone
rang. He picked up.
Pope: Yes?
God: It's God, Francis. What's happening down there?
Pope: What, no hello, how are you doing?
God: Cut the crap. Is the UN buying your end-poverty-hunger-global warming pitch?
Pope:
Of course. The UN, Obama, and I are on the same page. That's why I'm
here in New York. You think I'd visit this place otherwise? Looks like
they won't even let me go see the Mets.
God: No blowback so far? What you're selling is very thin, you know. High-flying rhetoric, no specifics.
Pope: High-flying rhetoric is what I do. We've talked about this before.
God:
Yeah, but if you were really serious about poverty, you'd offer a plan,
a pilot project for one African country, a test case. Nobody is
pointing that out? Clean up the contaminated water supplies, give back
stolen farm land to the people?
Pope: Not a peep about it.
God: Nothing on the Internet?
Pope: I don't read the Internet.
God: What about Obama? What are your impressions?
Pope: On the surface, he seems clueless. But he's on board.
God: On board with what?
Pope: Rockefeller, Brzezinski.
God: I spoke with David R last night. He seemed a little worried. When he's worried, so am I.
Pope:
Look, G, the media are saying nothing about Globalism. We're good.
Jobs have been leaving the industrialized countries for decades. It's
nothing new. You know, open up new factories in Third World hellholes,
pay the workers three cents an hour, dispense with environmental regs.
Millions of jobs lost back at home. It's SOP.
God: And nobody is saying the whole Globalist operation is a cause of poverty?
Pope:
Nobody cares about poverty or unemployment in industrialized
countries. The story line is all about poverty in Africa and Asia.
Again, we've talked this through before.
God: That quote of yours is getting more play these days.
Pope: Which one? I'm a quote machine.
God: "I want a poor church for the poor."
Pope: Not a problem.
God: No? The church has assets worth, what, a hundred trillion dollars? And collection plates keep filling up.
Pope:
People expect rich leaders to talk about ending poverty. It's
perfectly acceptable. You know: "I made it and now I'm going to give
back."
God: Yeah. Well, the history of how the church "made it" is pretty damning.
Pope: Where have you been, G? History is passe.
God: What year is it down there?
Pope: You're kidding, right?
God: I've got a lot on my plate. It's easy to lose track.
Pope: Take a guess.
God: 1975.
Pope: You're hilarious. Try 2015.
God: I wasn't that far off. A century down there is like a minute up here.
Pope: Yeah, sure. This is me you're talking to, G. Don't give me that space-time continuum jive.
God: Anyway, I've got pressure on me from the Corporate Board. They want more poverty and hunger and chaos.
Pope: Patience. Things are working out.
God:
In case you've forgotten, the church does best when times are worst.
That's the whole thrust of the current op. Drive the world back into
the Middle Ages. Disease, pestilence, poverty, rampant crime, all the
usual horrors. That's the greatness of the church. It knows how to
make hay in that environment. Better than anyone else.
Pope: I'm
well aware, G. Well aware. I'm a Jesuit, remember? Who thought up
this whole op centuries ago? Listen, are you okay?
God: Nothing I can't handle.
Pope: Because it sounds like you're slipping.
God:
The Corporate Board is worried about blowback on the church. See, this
isn't the Middle Ages. It was one thing to introduce rampant chaos
when all the people had were bows and arrows and stones and catapults.
But now...I was just reading a weapons catalog the other day. Wow.
It's ridiculous. The firepower. Some of these crazies---
Pope: I get the point. We're okay. We're covered. Are you still seeing your shrink?
God: He put me on Lithium for Bipolar. I've gained thirty pounds.
Pope: I see. And you were pretty heavy to begin with.
God: I'm roly-poly now. It's not a good image. I just started on Valproate. I get these blinding headaches.
Pope:
You want a suggestion? Find a good psychiatrist and have him slowly
withdraw you from the drugs. Don't stop them all at once, whatever you
do. It could be catastrophic. Then, when you're clean, get a medical
card and switch to pot.
God: Hmm. Wouldn't want that story to get out.
Pope: Did you see my speech to the US Congress the other day? 130 Representatives and Senators are Catholics.
God: I watched a few minutes. Your accent is thick. I had trouble understanding you. What did Obama say about it?
Pope: He was happy. You know, he's a devout Christian...
God: Yeah. And I'm a Zoroastrian.
Pope:
If we can put this carbon tax piece together with the global warming
piece and the poverty and hunger piece, we could hit paydirt. Create
all kinds of planetary disruption.
God: But I don't see any real signs of progress there. All I hear is a lot of words.
Pope:
Slow and steady. America is the biggest obstacle. That's why I'm
here. And you know Hilary and Jeb are waiting in the wings. They'll
pick up from where Obama left off. Either one of them.
God: What about Trump?
Pope:
Don't worry. When the time comes, he'll get his share of scandals.
The press is loading up. The ducks are in a row. We've had reporters
on the pad for years. They'll do what they're told.
God: I talked to Hillary last week.
Pope: What did she say?
God: She called me honey. Can you believe it?
Pope: I hear she has health problems.
God:
Put it this way. If she knew she was going to drop dead her first day
in office, she'd still run for President. The woman's a wolverine.
Pope:
If Obama has any concerns, they're about these upcoming Globalist trade
treaties he's pushing. The TPP, the TTIP. People might start catching
on that he's ushering in deeper poverty. Which, of course, he is.
God: He's got his marching orders. He knows why he was put in as President. He can't turn back.
Pope: He doesn't want to turn back. He's just skittish about exposure.
God:
All he has to do is keeping saying the treaties are a great deal for
everyone. He's good at saying the same thing over and over. Broad
brush strokes, empty homilies.
Pope: We've got a high wall at Vatican City.
God:
I was going to talk to you about that. Not a good look for you. And
your immigration policy comes off like zero tolerance.
Pope: We
may have to let in a couple of migrant families and showcase their
sympathetic stories. Of course, we'd vet them to make sure they're
docile.
God: Don't mess it up. What's new on the pedophile priest front?
Pope:
More hush money to victims. Priest relocations. We sent one guy to a
little chapel in the north of Alaska. He's locked down. The whole
pedophile thing is a disaster, of course, but, traditionally, proximity
to young boys has been a strong selling point to applicants for the
priesthood.
God: I don't want any connection made between pedo-priests and other pedo-networks.
Pope: We're on it.
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